Ten from the Bottom ’16

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Well thank goodness 2016 is nearly over. What an eventful year, iconic celebrities passing away, politics around the world going crazy, Stranger Things deservedly soaring, Trump undeservedly soaring and movies of the past 12 months missing the mark more than usual. It truly was a disappointing year for film with a lot of the feature’s I’d seen scoring average marks at best.

This easily could have been a Top 20 list…I’ve even had to be cheeky enough to tie a couple of films just to squeeze them into the running order. I’m also sick of this year and looking forward to a joyful experience of 2017 that here’s the bad movies that just missed out from pride of place in the final countdown:

Ghostbusters….The Legend of Tarzan….A Bigger Splash….Bad Neighbors 2….X-Men: Apocalypse….Office Christmas Party….Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children….The Big Short….Bad Moms….Keeping up with the Joneses….The Girl on the Train….Finding Dory….Passengers….The BFG and The Huntsman: Winters War. 

On with the main show then —

10) SUICIDE SQUAD…AND SAUSAGE PARTY

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Yes it’s cheating the system slightly but just call it the Troy Review Electoral College and this is why they both win (or lose by being in the list). Firstly with Suicide Squad, an eagerly awaiting fun looking film with a punchy trailer that actually had a poor script, poorer execution, a soundtrack like an epileptic record player and a bad Joker. Squad review.

Sausage Party had a good if not great premise but is such a film catered to guffawing teenagers with smut layered on every scene that eventually the sex jokes wear thin and there’s nothing left to offer…that food orgy scene is OTT, a lame sequel set up comes about and well…read more in my full review —> SP

9) ME BEFORE YOU

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Not my type of film anyway but on top of this is the near constant cheesiness involved. It’s also a film pushing into trying to be that sad movie that girls wipe away stains of mascara after watching it. More than this, the problem lies with the main disability and how forced it becomes. Me B4 U review

8) ALLIED

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The so-called passion between Cotillard and Pitt is more wet than a Christmassy brussel sprout fart, the story-line is absurdly dull with no clever turn and the boredom factor reaches near Spinal Tap levels of 11. Don’t be a traitor, read the full review here.

7) ZOOLANDER 2

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Fashion is danger! So is this ‘comedy’ sequel sprawling with celebrity cameos, a very shaky script and an overwhelming disappointing feeling you get by seeing it. It tries too hard and fails harder…check out how hot my review is right now.

6) FRIEND REQUEST…AND THE 5TH WAVE

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Let’s begin with Friend Request which is like an unwanted invite you get after seeing Unfriended. This sort of follow up/remake film is terrible. There’s lame jump scares, things become unintentionally funny and it feels similar but badly so to the visual flair of Unfriended. Delete now.

Chloe Grace Moretz in this shocking young adult science fiction attempt is okay but stares into the distance a lot, like I did trying to watch this film. Cheap effects and a terrible twist don’t help the movie along. Review.

Into the Top 5 we go –

5) AMERICAN PASTORAL

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The directorial debut from Ewan McGregor but not one to remember. The one word that would describe this movie is boring. It could have been way more interesting and powerful but it’s overly sentimental and hard to get through. American Bore

4) WARCRAFT

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So much going on and none if it really any good is this mostly boring fantasy flick from the brilliant director Duncan Jones…though you wouldn’t think it watching this. Long, silly and a titled beginning which hopefully has no middle or end to come. Borecraft.

3) BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

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Long. A ridiculous plot. Lex Luthor’s more ridiculous plan. Jesse Eisenberg’s even more ridiculous acting. Boring Cavill. Boring generally. MARTHA! Thank goodness for Batfleck. BvS review

2) WIENER-DOG

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A couple of laughs really really really don’t save this film. It’s dreary, striving to be artistic and/or pretentious. The comedy it does have becomes annoying as it gets drawn out to breaking point. The movie is disjointed and the ending of it all is so horrendous and of bad taste that it leaves the film with such a sour note making you hate it further. Wiener of a film

Well…after taking that depressing trip down movie memory lane, I’ve come to the end of the line. Numero uno, the big kahuna of bad…a film so utterly terrible, unfunny and disgraceful that I knew it would be the first placed worst movie as soon as I’d finished watching it, almost a year ago.

1) DIRTY GRANDPA

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What do you want?? Read my review. I don’t wish to waste time writing more about this film. Go away…see you (hopefully) in 2017!

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Dirty Grandpa (2016)

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Just because it’s January and awards season, doesn’t mean it’s all personal high scoring movies and critically loved features; there is one movie that threatens to cast a frightening shadow over the first month of 2016 in being so awful that potential Oscar winning films could be forgotten. Which is worse because ‘Dirty Grandpa’ itself is the film you want to forget, ignore…erase from memory.

Uptight lawyer Jason Kelly (Zac Efron) is due to be married very soon but before his big day, his once close grandpa Dick (Robert De Niro) has him drive him apparently to his home in Florida, but really dickish Dick wants to insult every living thing and have sex with an extremely lustful spring breaker.

Dan Mazer, the director, or whatever he was doing behind the camera needs to be ashamed because after his debut outing with the frankly funny and well structured ‘I Give it a Year’; this follow up is perhaps the least entertaining and crude movie I’ve ever had the misfortune to clap my eyes upon. No joke, character, scene or in fact second of this film feels comfortable or right, it can’t even be called clichéd because at least other movies of the comedy genre manage to land a laugh amongst the usual characters or situations.

John M. Philips will hopefully be a name we don’t see often because his screenplay for this despairing 102 minutes is nothing but distasteful pokes at anything and everything offensive. Racism, sexism, homophobia, nudity and De Niro masturbating are all common things thrown into this nasty bubbling pot. Somehow amidst all the failing jokes this rude freak show of cinema labels itself a comedy and can’t see how ugly it is from start to finish.

The cringe worthy photo-shopped opening with Efron and De Niro snaps should let you know what a train wreck you’re in for but if that doesn’t then a later scene with a near naked Efron and an ill aimed idea to poke fun at paedophilia will really let you know the horror of what this film contains. There is no desire for engagement or connecting to the flimsy family road trip plot, there’s no originality or humour. Generally this movie fails to make me see how anyone cared a damn when constructing such a dire story, in turn making me want to stop giving a damn wasting time writing a review about it.

Robert De Niro by this point has all but crapped on his career, this recent and grotesque escapade being further proof that this talented icon of the screen is waning. It makes me sad at his choices that are horrible, either he’s happy with the money easily cashed in from coasting through movies or he’s…um, deluded. The character of Dick is so disgustingly painted that not even De Niro can save him. Zac Efron isn’t anything special, solely being there as the good guy and to draw in ticket sales by showing his ripped bod, hell even at times he looks hurt to be in this picture. Aubrey Plaza is viciously bad and sluttily two dimensional in what may be the worst thing she’ll ever do. Julianne Hough is boring and stuck in a clichéd box of the boring partner not right for the protagonist.

Everything in this film is in bad taste and I hate it more for seeing De Niro at the continued beginning of the end in his career. This dirty film is painfully unfunny with no value apart from likely soaring to the tops of worst movie lists of 2016 before we’ve even seen what’s on offer in the next 11 months.

0/10

I guess parts of the awkward wedding break up and De Niro lifting Efron for real is impressive, so:

1/10

 

Nativity 3: Dude, Where’s My Donkey?! (2014)

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Where do I start with this movie review? Honestly the worst film I’ve seen this year, a festive film with all joy and reason sucked out leaving a void of squeaky children, nonsense and horrendous songs. I know it’s a kid’s film but all good ones have something for grown ups and this doesn’t even seem to have any magic that would entertain kids. A mess of a movie through and through.

St. Bernadette’s are expecting an Ofsted inspection and with the arrival of apparent super teacher Jeremy Shepherd (Martin Clunes) the school hope to pass with flying colours. Though the presence of Mr Poppy (Marc Wootton) and a donkey interfere leaving Jeremy forgetting his entire character, his daughter and wife to be Sophie (Catherine Tate). It’s up to a bunch of the school and Mr Poppy to make Jeremy remember who he is through memories, flash mobs and a trip to New York where Sophie nervously expects a jilted wedding.

Normally I’d go through plots, music, direction etc…etc, mixing in negatives with the positives and expanding on any bad points (if any) in the near to last paragraphs. This time around however, I can’t even pick a single good point in this film. I’ve tried, my head has hurt trying to think of one small sliver of genuine positiveness the film has, but to no avail. It feels like a scramble of under 10 year old scamps hyped on Ribena have doodled ideas on paper, the terrible director Debbie Isitt; culprit of one of the worst offences this year, has taken these notes, melded them together, terrified the kids into pushy scenes and created this hot disaster of a feature.

It’s torture, truly it never feels glorious or sparkling with that Christmas pleasantry. It stretches like the Ice Age, feeling longer than Interstellar and gaping with plot holes stretching further than the wormhole in Nolan’s film too. I won’t go into any of the mistakes in case you happen to want to see this film but where are the parents, what’s happened to passport control and how did Mr. Poppy ever get his job?

The main theme of this film is flash mobbing, you know that unexpected increasing size of people dancing or singing in unison that felt fresh over 5-6 years ago. A tired fad is used as the running competition which already bores you from the outset, the choreography is dull and not even cool enough to warrant the constant attacks of flash mob crime that stabs you in the eye. The singing itself could be quite cute but then it’s all disastrously lip-synced, even the adult actors mime to the shoddy played in songs. The title of this film never feels true as the donkey is no story line really, however it does serve as the title for the oh so trying earworm and shock horror song planted in the film.

It’s a movie that looks and reeks of cheapness. Tacky ideas get green-lit leading to scenes that could easily have been edited or left on the cutting room floor. Lengthy hiding sequences, elf puns and the film itself could have benefited from not being there. The worst offence of all is in the character of Mr Poppy who is one of the worst movie characters I’ve ever had the misfortune to see. It’s like watching a wannabe street smart adult with the IQ of a sponge bounding around like a jacked up kangaroo with an appearance akin to Doofy in ‘Scary Movie’. I’ve never hated someone so much and how he leads this trilogy is a mystery.

It pains to see a British film burn the pride out of our movie making industry leaving nothing but the charred remains of the Union Jack. A memory loss film that only leaves you desiring to forget it too. If a lot of children lap this up then they’ve missed out on seeing good quality Christmas films, that’s the only reason I can think of for people enjoying this dud of a film. It’s a never ending hell ride and one I hope leaves the prospect of Nativity 4 firmly in the no camp.

A big fat turkey of a film. Please do not go see this.

1.5/10