Ten from the Bottom ’16

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Well thank goodness 2016 is nearly over. What an eventful year, iconic celebrities passing away, politics around the world going crazy, Stranger Things deservedly soaring, Trump undeservedly soaring and movies of the past 12 months missing the mark more than usual. It truly was a disappointing year for film with a lot of the feature’s I’d seen scoring average marks at best.

This easily could have been a Top 20 list…I’ve even had to be cheeky enough to tie a couple of films just to squeeze them into the running order. I’m also sick of this year and looking forward to a joyful experience of 2017 that here’s the bad movies that just missed out from pride of place in the final countdown:

Ghostbusters….The Legend of Tarzan….A Bigger Splash….Bad Neighbors 2….X-Men: Apocalypse….Office Christmas Party….Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children….The Big Short….Bad Moms….Keeping up with the Joneses….The Girl on the Train….Finding Dory….Passengers….The BFG and The Huntsman: Winters War. 

On with the main show then —

10) SUICIDE SQUAD…AND SAUSAGE PARTY

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Yes it’s cheating the system slightly but just call it the Troy Review Electoral College and this is why they both win (or lose by being in the list). Firstly with Suicide Squad, an eagerly awaiting fun looking film with a punchy trailer that actually had a poor script, poorer execution, a soundtrack like an epileptic record player and a bad Joker. Squad review.

Sausage Party had a good if not great premise but is such a film catered to guffawing teenagers with smut layered on every scene that eventually the sex jokes wear thin and there’s nothing left to offer…that food orgy scene is OTT, a lame sequel set up comes about and well…read more in my full review —> SP

9) ME BEFORE YOU

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Not my type of film anyway but on top of this is the near constant cheesiness involved. It’s also a film pushing into trying to be that sad movie that girls wipe away stains of mascara after watching it. More than this, the problem lies with the main disability and how forced it becomes. Me B4 U review

8) ALLIED

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The so-called passion between Cotillard and Pitt is more wet than a Christmassy brussel sprout fart, the story-line is absurdly dull with no clever turn and the boredom factor reaches near Spinal Tap levels of 11. Don’t be a traitor, read the full review here.

7) ZOOLANDER 2

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Fashion is danger! So is this ‘comedy’ sequel sprawling with celebrity cameos, a very shaky script and an overwhelming disappointing feeling you get by seeing it. It tries too hard and fails harder…check out how hot my review is right now.

6) FRIEND REQUEST…AND THE 5TH WAVE

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Let’s begin with Friend Request which is like an unwanted invite you get after seeing Unfriended. This sort of follow up/remake film is terrible. There’s lame jump scares, things become unintentionally funny and it feels similar but badly so to the visual flair of Unfriended. Delete now.

Chloe Grace Moretz in this shocking young adult science fiction attempt is okay but stares into the distance a lot, like I did trying to watch this film. Cheap effects and a terrible twist don’t help the movie along. Review.

Into the Top 5 we go –

5) AMERICAN PASTORAL

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The directorial debut from Ewan McGregor but not one to remember. The one word that would describe this movie is boring. It could have been way more interesting and powerful but it’s overly sentimental and hard to get through. American Bore

4) WARCRAFT

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So much going on and none if it really any good is this mostly boring fantasy flick from the brilliant director Duncan Jones…though you wouldn’t think it watching this. Long, silly and a titled beginning which hopefully has no middle or end to come. Borecraft.

3) BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

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Long. A ridiculous plot. Lex Luthor’s more ridiculous plan. Jesse Eisenberg’s even more ridiculous acting. Boring Cavill. Boring generally. MARTHA! Thank goodness for Batfleck. BvS review

2) WIENER-DOG

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A couple of laughs really really really don’t save this film. It’s dreary, striving to be artistic and/or pretentious. The comedy it does have becomes annoying as it gets drawn out to breaking point. The movie is disjointed and the ending of it all is so horrendous and of bad taste that it leaves the film with such a sour note making you hate it further. Wiener of a film

Well…after taking that depressing trip down movie memory lane, I’ve come to the end of the line. Numero uno, the big kahuna of bad…a film so utterly terrible, unfunny and disgraceful that I knew it would be the first placed worst movie as soon as I’d finished watching it, almost a year ago.

1) DIRTY GRANDPA

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What do you want?? Read my review. I don’t wish to waste time writing more about this film. Go away…see you (hopefully) in 2017!

Bad Moms (2016)

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Mildly funny but a movie I feel caters more for the female spectator, with plenty of lady laughs in my screening backing up that point. It has humour, solid cast performances but it feels long and nothing special.

Frantically running errands day in and day out hardly backed by her childish husband is Amy Mitchell (Mila Kunis). Her kids school is pretty much run by obsessive PTA mom Gwendolyn (Christina Applegate), so when Amy decides to say no to her rules and become a bad mom along with wild Carla (Kathryn Hahn) and home-bound Kiki (Kristen Bell) it causes major friction.

It’s a pretty obvious rom-com, as soon as the clearly hunky male comes into the picture who just happens to be a manly widow then you know Amy will end up with him. The characters are all types we’ve seen before, the awkward one, the overly sexual one and the typical lead who needs a boost in morale to be her true self. Though everything is predictable, the movie chugs along nicely.

Well, actually on the most part it does, there are some times when it feels long. It’s an odd one as there’s points where the film doesn’t appear smooth like each scene feels tacked on and not wholly part of what we’ve seen before. At least the struggles of female parenting are handled well and there’s nice poignant moments about how hard it is for mums, single or otherwise, to raise children and work and live.

The laughs themselves seem to land more appreciated with the women watchers, as a mid twenties male I did chuckle from time to time. There’s humour with a tacky glossy PowerPoint presentation about a bake sale, the cattiness of Gwendolyn is great and the house party with Martha Stewart is comedic for a while but mostly it’s average. They run crazily past the comedy rule of three as at least six mums get up and say why they’re bad, concluding in a poorly added ‘Mean Girls’-esque quip from a lonely parent.

Change wise, you know the characters have to progress but the transformation the three go through feels odd and rushed, Kiki gets control and a sultry black dress, Hahn covers up and makes her son lunch and Gwendolyn de-ices herself for the gals as if all it took for them to alter their personalities were a couple of samey speeches from Amy. On the plus side the opening madness of Amy’s duties is well done, the hipster world of her workplace is on point and to their credit the credits are interesting as we see the actors real mothers discuss their lives.

Mila Kunis is a capable lead and shows she can be funny, smart and affable. She bounces off the other two bad moms and they make for an engaging believable posse of trouble. Kristen Bell is fun to watch as she looks on panicked often, espicially as they play with her pink hoodie. So when she lets loose and drinks it’s amusing to see her shift character. Hahn excels in this role, the mad electric wire frayed with energy and sexual confidence gives the film the copious amounts of cursing. Applegate is the best to watch, lapping up her role as the steel faced bitch.

It has comedy in places and balances the serious side of parental issues but it never feels like it goes anywhere or knows where to take itself. At least it’s backed by a healthy group of exciting and watchable actresses who give the movie drive.

5.5/10

Wiener-Dog (2016)

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I don’t want to write about this movie, it had some promising moments, a few nice laughs but by the end of it all, everything has moped along to such a dreary and try-hard artsy encompassing view of the world, that it’s actually the opposite and rather a soulless and absurd product.

Coming home with a pet dog is Danny (Tracy Letts) who hopes the sausage dog will help their son’s progress. After a granola induced accident, Wiener-Dog is taken to the vets where veterinarian Dawn (Greta Gerwig) smuggles him away. She goes on a trip with Brandon (Kieran Culkin) and soon the pooch is into story number 3 with film school teacher Dave (Danny DeVito) before finding himself with the elderly Nana (Ellen Burstyn) who gets a visit from her granddaughter.

So, to start with the positives, of which there are just a small amount. Story #1 with the family trio has some funny points, for example the mother making up numerous stories about dogs, pregnancies and cremation to her son. Um…I guess the odd intermission starring the pup strolling in front of backdrops whilst music plays was quite strangely funny. Story #3 starts with a hope of the most interest, a New York based film school, comments on students, screenwriting and the industry are scripted well but then it’s over with a dog wearing a yellow dress and something else…which I won’t spoil for you if you do happen to waste your time seeing it.

What this movie and director Todd Solondz does frequently is take something either brimming with humour or life important and drag it out to an inch of it’s life so it’s neither funny or affirming anymore. Either that or he twists it so much with a weirdly wired black sense of comedy that you question what this movie is even trying to do or say. A case in point comes after Miss Wiener-Dog gets explosive diarrhoea which is amusing at the start but then a long tracking shot over pools of the liquid swiftly loses that initial comedic spark.

Another reason, for me at least why this film didn’t sit well is because there’s no connection. Aside from the first 2 stories, the characters don’t feel in any strong way linked. Solondz is probably making a statement that they’re connected by loss, despair or some other dejected emotion but we just skip from one short movie tale to another thanks to the dog and that’s that. Also, after watching the whole feature, there feels like there’s been absolutely zero point to any of what’s happened. It’s eccentric yet empty and the conclusion of the dog’s journey is cause of great and distasteful alarm.

Danny DeVito plays the grumbling professor well, his long time placement as a teacher wearing on his face as he hopes to get a new screenplay green-lit but knowing it’s never likely to happen is always felt as DeVito shuffles through his portion. Greta Gerwig gladly brings an element of sunshine into the world of the movie but is still quite muted on a random trip she takes with the similarly shuffling and muted Kieran Culkin. Ellen Burstyn and Zosia Mamet share a scene that has a more emotional and awkward family aura about it but by this point I felt void of interest like the movie feels void of direction.

I can safely say this is a film I will hopefully forget and never recommend but for fans of Todd Solondz’s work then this may be a movie you’ll enjoy, if that’s the word to use…which it isn’t.

4.5/10

Bad Neighbours 2 (2016)

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After the surprisingly funny and very agreeable box office takings of ‘Bad Neighbours‘, it probably isn’t any shock that this movie came about. Though having said this it’s not like it was overly called for and upon seeing this sequel I have to say it feels deadly lacking of good laughs.

Now full time parents to little Stella, Mac and Kelly Radner (Seth Rogen & Rose Byrne) are moving on. They think they’ve sold their house but due to an escrow deal, they have 30 days to keep the buyers sweet to finish the agreement. Unluckily for them, the once empty frat house next door is being overtaken by a headstrong lass called Shelby (Chloe Grace Moretz) who starts her own partying sorority there and a new war begins.

Just looking at the writing team sparks trouble for this film, as there are five guys tackling this script making the finished product less than light and cohesive. It does make a difference truly as the 2014 movie only had two screenwriters. The saying of too many cooks spoiling the broth certainly rings true with most films I’ve seen with an over-abundance of writers. It’s like the quintet are teaming up for the bigger picture but want all their own touches involved too, amazingly the film doesn’t appear messy, it’s more hollow.

Nicholas Stoller is back to direct this feature and it certainly is a mad foray into the world of female partying and girl empowerment this time around. Though one negative is that this movie isn’t as over the top as last time, the interaction between the oldies and young blood isn’t anywhere near as cool, exciting and funnily tense and another negative is the whole gender scope the film runs with.

A lot of the time during the plot, it brings up issues of what girls can and cannot do, what Shelby believes a growing woman is entitled to and ultimately how the parents view it all considering their daughter. It’s a fine enough topic to shoot for but when scripted b 5 guys the whole thing feels forced and generally the film looks and sounds like it’s trying to be as funny as the first movie.

The soundtrack doesn’t live up to the hands in the air party vibe like the last time around. A blessed relief of Kanye West pumps up the cool and helps the film out but the songs aren’t as catchy or electric for this movie which doesn’t help the pacing a great deal. Also, I remember the first one being out there with sex, drugs and the like but this seems to go too far, a very open labour and foot scream of desperate clawing for OTT comedy…which no-one laughed at in my screening.

There are good moments though, there is still the same laughable chemistry between Byrne and Rogen, a frankly excellent confused spelling of sorority, the air bag idea is back with brilliant vengeance, the continuing void of parenting and dildo holding children is amusing and the little screen time of Dave Franco with Zac Efron is top notch. It’s a shame these positives feel mostly drowned out by a couple of needless gross out gags, a less exciting battle of the ages and emptiness of direction.

Seth Rogen is no good actor but his gurgled laugh and stoner like way he appears in every movie is what he does best and it’s no different here. He plays off the twin girls playing Stella very well and likewise with Rose Byrne he builds a believable bond. Chloe Grace Moretz doesn’t lift the film much at all sadly, she’s trying with a character of hoping to aspire to be a stronger girl but her breaking out against the ‘sexist’ world isn’t that compelling like Zac Efron who feels stitched on just to get the cast back together, him debating his life and choices is a dull part of the runtime. Rose Byrne has great comedic timing and shows she can be gross and less than perfect, though everyone provides a smile they don’t feel connected as with ‘Bad Neighbours’.

Sorority Rising feels more like it’s sinking as a small amount of laughs is gravely felt in all places, making us realise what is wrong with the film, music, direction, writing and the fact it’s trying to crackle in the surprise way the first did.

5.5/10

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

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I don’t think a huge blockbuster film of this calibre on top of being the first time in cinema to see two DC heroes square up to each other was meant to be this boring, but Holy Smokes it is. It’s just written poorly or not all it feels like as we jump from moment to moment, these pillars of good in their own rights are completely tarnished by effects, Zack Snyder and a laughable villain.

After the death of his parents and huge damage to Metropolis; killing his friend and toppling his building, Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck) becomes Batman in order to try and battle the God-like powers of Superman (Henry Cavill). Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) also wants to stop the alien in red and blue and with the assistance of some discovered Kryptonite, he may be able to set Supes versus Bat with ease, leaving him to…make more money and um live in a totally destroyed city.

That’s the thing, the story in this film is near non existent that Chris Terrio and David S. Goyer were probably just putting their feet up and thinking that having these two massive comic book characters fighting would be enough. Well hey, that’s been filling the trailers and selling tickets so however bad this film is, it’s making a heck of a lot of money so I doubt they’re caring that their screenplay is so devoid of intelligence, suspense or power.

For this yawn-inducing 151 minute movie, we hardly see any real action between the heavy weights. Instead we get lots of Affleck as Wayne, Lois Lane subjected to tedious journalism and an awful turn from Eisenberg as a mop-haired Luthor that seems to have aspirations to be a Batman baddie instead of Superman’s adversary. There’s a lot they’re trying to slot into this film but most of it is headaches from the amount of CGI that gets thrown into the mix. Instead of what could have been an interesting look at the idea of justice and man vs. God, that gets smoked over by more than Batman’s smoke grenade. I’ve never switched off in action movies and yet somehow in this film, I found my mind wandering as uninspiring sequences played out.

Zack Snyder directs this film like he’s trying to bring the Christopher Nolan touch to his movie. There’s a somewhat dark and broody level to this movie but it becomes too much and with that is Snyder’s typical directorial influence as we drift into ‘Watchmen’ visuals that feel so out of place and stretch this movie’s runtime ever further. I mean, that whole desert Batman scene, with winged creatures and then the vengeful laser shooting Superman was so stupid and added nothing. There’s no consistency with this film, like Snyder is trialling different ideas to keep us entertained but actually making everything unbalanced, which on top of the less than ordered screenplay equals a mess of a film.

The whole special effects over use is mind-boggling, for why they ever needed to include such a horrendous visual of a genetically enhanced character is beyond me. It looked hideous, filled the IMAX screen with too much CGI and enforced my opinion that this movie is over the top. I may as well be Brick Tamland shouting LOUD NOISES to try and rival the constant barrage of smashes and crashes this movie is overloaded with. If the effects weren’t drowning you with noise then you could be sure that Hans Zimmer and Junkie XL’s score would. I mean, together they had their moments in making some dramatic music but it swelled way too much and smothered the scenes. Oh and that operatic hilarity of the score for when Luthor goes to the ship felt so off kilter.

I said it from the outset that the DC Universe are behind and trying to keep up with the well mapped out plans from Marvel. The fact that we only had ‘Man of Steel’ and then they bring in Batman to try and keep appeal shows that they’re rushing to set up the Justice League and no longer be stragglers. Hey, who cares, straggle away, make another Superman movie, introduce Affleck in a standalone Batman film, have Wonder Woman first before shoe-horning them all in together with flashes of the Flash and cameos from Aquaman and Cyborg too. This film is way too bloated because they’ve shoved everything in instead of focusing on setting them all up properly and then uniting the Justice League. It’s sad that this film felt more like a tiring ordeal to sit through than an exciting event.

Ben Affleck, to his credit does good in his role which will now quell that dire turn as Daredevil. He brings a suited stiffness and arrogance as Wayne and a hard bulky combat ready look as Batman. Henry Cavill is still bland as Superman, providing little more than a muscled body and a vague stern look from time to time. Jesse Eisenberg was announced and gave me hope and intrigue to see what he’d bring but however good he is at playing the villain, I can’t shake how ridiculous he is. Eisenberg makes Lex Luthor sound and act like a pantomime villain dreaming to be like the Joker as he gallivants around like a neurotic and excitable puppy. Amy Adams tries her best in a dull role as Lois Lane, getting into possible strong moments only to become the damsel in distress. Gal Gadot for me was the only positive I could find, the music with her arrival as Wonder Woman helped make her seem like the character we all wanted. Gadot played Diana Prince with a seductive Selina Kyle grace and convinced me as the warrior with a lasso of truth.

Batman v. Superman just doesn’t work, being a festival of a lot going on but nothing to prevent the onset of boredom, unless you’re a die-hard fan that looks past obvious faults. It’s not as massively bad as I expected from the reviews and friend responses but…it is bad.

4.5/10

Dirty Grandpa (2016)

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Just because it’s January and awards season, doesn’t mean it’s all personal high scoring movies and critically loved features; there is one movie that threatens to cast a frightening shadow over the first month of 2016 in being so awful that potential Oscar winning films could be forgotten. Which is worse because ‘Dirty Grandpa’ itself is the film you want to forget, ignore…erase from memory.

Uptight lawyer Jason Kelly (Zac Efron) is due to be married very soon but before his big day, his once close grandpa Dick (Robert De Niro) has him drive him apparently to his home in Florida, but really dickish Dick wants to insult every living thing and have sex with an extremely lustful spring breaker.

Dan Mazer, the director, or whatever he was doing behind the camera needs to be ashamed because after his debut outing with the frankly funny and well structured ‘I Give it a Year’; this follow up is perhaps the least entertaining and crude movie I’ve ever had the misfortune to clap my eyes upon. No joke, character, scene or in fact second of this film feels comfortable or right, it can’t even be called clichéd because at least other movies of the comedy genre manage to land a laugh amongst the usual characters or situations.

John M. Philips will hopefully be a name we don’t see often because his screenplay for this despairing 102 minutes is nothing but distasteful pokes at anything and everything offensive. Racism, sexism, homophobia, nudity and De Niro masturbating are all common things thrown into this nasty bubbling pot. Somehow amidst all the failing jokes this rude freak show of cinema labels itself a comedy and can’t see how ugly it is from start to finish.

The cringe worthy photo-shopped opening with Efron and De Niro snaps should let you know what a train wreck you’re in for but if that doesn’t then a later scene with a near naked Efron and an ill aimed idea to poke fun at paedophilia will really let you know the horror of what this film contains. There is no desire for engagement or connecting to the flimsy family road trip plot, there’s no originality or humour. Generally this movie fails to make me see how anyone cared a damn when constructing such a dire story, in turn making me want to stop giving a damn wasting time writing a review about it.

Robert De Niro by this point has all but crapped on his career, this recent and grotesque escapade being further proof that this talented icon of the screen is waning. It makes me sad at his choices that are horrible, either he’s happy with the money easily cashed in from coasting through movies or he’s…um, deluded. The character of Dick is so disgustingly painted that not even De Niro can save him. Zac Efron isn’t anything special, solely being there as the good guy and to draw in ticket sales by showing his ripped bod, hell even at times he looks hurt to be in this picture. Aubrey Plaza is viciously bad and sluttily two dimensional in what may be the worst thing she’ll ever do. Julianne Hough is boring and stuck in a clichéd box of the boring partner not right for the protagonist.

Everything in this film is in bad taste and I hate it more for seeing De Niro at the continued beginning of the end in his career. This dirty film is painfully unfunny with no value apart from likely soaring to the tops of worst movie lists of 2016 before we’ve even seen what’s on offer in the next 11 months.

0/10

I guess parts of the awkward wedding break up and De Niro lifting Efron for real is impressive, so:

1/10

 

Ten from the Bottom ’15

We’re in a new year everyone, yay, congratulations, Auld Lang Syne and all that mumbo jumbo! Truly for me it’s exciting because it means another 366 (leap year this time folks) days of movies to enjoy, dislike, repeat view and immerse myself into. Oscar Season is well and truly here and that can only mean it’s time to look back at movies of 2015, but why start with the top notch film-making gems, I’d like to hover over the weaklings of last year and see what struggled to make me find any redeeming factors! And if you want to then please comment letting me know what films you didn’t like. So…here we go at number ten is…

10) The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2

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Sadly the last film of what could have been a ground-breaking and revolutionary series goes out with a laugh and a wimper. The biggest issue is that it should never have been split into two features, making this Part 2 outing drag and feel lifeless even with all the attempts at action. The story feels expositional at times, a loss of life is hardly impacted and wow…that epilogue…sheesh. See what else I had to say —> Mockingjay Part Deux.

9) Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse 

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Falling wayside of any clever zombie comedy smarts and in fact comedy, is this teenage aimed smutty and over the top B movie type. It has some alright moments and the premise is neat but the execution is poor as jokes that would be short and sharp with any other director are left to sag in full sequences. Not terrible but no Shaun of the Dead or Zombieland entertainment either. Be prepared by checking out my review of SGTTZA.

8) Chappie

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Now this is a film I’d almost forgotten about which is a huge shame considering the talent I thought Blomkamp possessed. It begins okay and there are some enjoyable moments amongst the mess but at the end of the day it is a mess of spare parts, South African rap duos, mullets and forced meanings that leave you wanting the film with plenty of tinkering to create a better robot movie that isn’t scratchily written. Chappie says “click on Chappie name.”

7) Joy

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Now I only just viewed and reviewed this film and I wasn’t impressed, I didn’t go in with high expectations granted but I did hope it would surprise me. The only surprise with this film is how uninteresting it seems for a story that could have been uplifting and inspiring. Lawrence only just makes this film watchable. Joyfully nod or grouchily disagree with my review by clicking Joy.

6) Blackhat

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This is a film that literally gave me a headache because of how dull it was. I thought Michael Mann would be on form but even his sense of style with film-making seems to falter. The movie is messy, long and lacking in grit or tension. Use cyberspace and internet non-hacking ease by clicking on Blackhat to see the full review.

5) Terminator Genisys

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From the outset this film lands in the worst category for that damn spelling. Also the whole big bad technological threat is something we all have anyway. There’s so much messing with the original that it craps on what we loved about it, the dialogue is lame and muddled and the story is frankly awful but I somehow enjoyed parts and that’s why you may be shocked to find it here at only number 5. Find out where my review all began at Terminator Genesis — yes, I will not spell it how they want.

4) Hot Pursuit

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Women in film is becoming more powerful as the years tick by but this film almost threatens that ideal and vision of strong funny females by sticking two capable actresses in a dumb, predictable and unfunny cop movie. Just hotly pursue my review for more bad feelings! Hot Pursuit review.

3) Hot Tub Time Machine 2

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Another film with hot in the title and another hot mess of a movie. John Cusack seemed to smell the stench of rotting script and didn’t return. Messing with time is the main aim of the plot but it feels crass and cheap lacking any reason other to offend or cater to people who I don’t want to know. HTTM2.

2) Accidental Love

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Satire done at its absolute worse, this film is neither a funny prod at politics and health care or an endearing rom-com. It’s in fact a film that should have read the warning signs and never got made, but it did get dug up and I implore you not to fall down the grave hole of seeing this. Accidental (Release)…Love.

And in at the top stinker position is a British film, which saddens me as last year another film from home hit the same heights of being the worst movie, but if you saw or ever see the following flick than blessed heaven help you if you could absolutely honestly say you enjoyed it…

 

 

1) Absolutely Anything

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This is absolutely anything other than a film worth seeing, the return and possible last reuniting of the great Monty Python gang is just terrible, Simon Pegg is annoying and the script is childish. Just read my review, I have absolutely nothing else to say.

Please let me know if you agree or disagree or pop down some of your worst films of last year, it’d be cool to see what else may hit the fan.