Ten from the Bottom ’16

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Well thank goodness 2016 is nearly over. What an eventful year, iconic celebrities passing away, politics around the world going crazy, Stranger Things deservedly soaring, Trump undeservedly soaring and movies of the past 12 months missing the mark more than usual. It truly was a disappointing year for film with a lot of the feature’s I’d seen scoring average marks at best.

This easily could have been a Top 20 list…I’ve even had to be cheeky enough to tie a couple of films just to squeeze them into the running order. I’m also sick of this year and looking forward to a joyful experience of 2017 that here’s the bad movies that just missed out from pride of place in the final countdown:

Ghostbusters….The Legend of Tarzan….A Bigger Splash….Bad Neighbors 2….X-Men: Apocalypse….Office Christmas Party….Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children….The Big Short….Bad Moms….Keeping up with the Joneses….The Girl on the Train….Finding Dory….Passengers….The BFG and The Huntsman: Winters War. 

On with the main show then —

10) SUICIDE SQUAD…AND SAUSAGE PARTY

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Yes it’s cheating the system slightly but just call it the Troy Review Electoral College and this is why they both win (or lose by being in the list). Firstly with Suicide Squad, an eagerly awaiting fun looking film with a punchy trailer that actually had a poor script, poorer execution, a soundtrack like an epileptic record player and a bad Joker. Squad review.

Sausage Party had a good if not great premise but is such a film catered to guffawing teenagers with smut layered on every scene that eventually the sex jokes wear thin and there’s nothing left to offer…that food orgy scene is OTT, a lame sequel set up comes about and well…read more in my full review —> SP

9) ME BEFORE YOU

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Not my type of film anyway but on top of this is the near constant cheesiness involved. It’s also a film pushing into trying to be that sad movie that girls wipe away stains of mascara after watching it. More than this, the problem lies with the main disability and how forced it becomes. Me B4 U review

8) ALLIED

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The so-called passion between Cotillard and Pitt is more wet than a Christmassy brussel sprout fart, the story-line is absurdly dull with no clever turn and the boredom factor reaches near Spinal Tap levels of 11. Don’t be a traitor, read the full review here.

7) ZOOLANDER 2

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Fashion is danger! So is this ‘comedy’ sequel sprawling with celebrity cameos, a very shaky script and an overwhelming disappointing feeling you get by seeing it. It tries too hard and fails harder…check out how hot my review is right now.

6) FRIEND REQUEST…AND THE 5TH WAVE

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Let’s begin with Friend Request which is like an unwanted invite you get after seeing Unfriended. This sort of follow up/remake film is terrible. There’s lame jump scares, things become unintentionally funny and it feels similar but badly so to the visual flair of Unfriended. Delete now.

Chloe Grace Moretz in this shocking young adult science fiction attempt is okay but stares into the distance a lot, like I did trying to watch this film. Cheap effects and a terrible twist don’t help the movie along. Review.

Into the Top 5 we go –

5) AMERICAN PASTORAL

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The directorial debut from Ewan McGregor but not one to remember. The one word that would describe this movie is boring. It could have been way more interesting and powerful but it’s overly sentimental and hard to get through. American Bore

4) WARCRAFT

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So much going on and none if it really any good is this mostly boring fantasy flick from the brilliant director Duncan Jones…though you wouldn’t think it watching this. Long, silly and a titled beginning which hopefully has no middle or end to come. Borecraft.

3) BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

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Long. A ridiculous plot. Lex Luthor’s more ridiculous plan. Jesse Eisenberg’s even more ridiculous acting. Boring Cavill. Boring generally. MARTHA! Thank goodness for Batfleck. BvS review

2) WIENER-DOG

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A couple of laughs really really really don’t save this film. It’s dreary, striving to be artistic and/or pretentious. The comedy it does have becomes annoying as it gets drawn out to breaking point. The movie is disjointed and the ending of it all is so horrendous and of bad taste that it leaves the film with such a sour note making you hate it further. Wiener of a film

Well…after taking that depressing trip down movie memory lane, I’ve come to the end of the line. Numero uno, the big kahuna of bad…a film so utterly terrible, unfunny and disgraceful that I knew it would be the first placed worst movie as soon as I’d finished watching it, almost a year ago.

1) DIRTY GRANDPA

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What do you want?? Read my review. I don’t wish to waste time writing more about this film. Go away…see you (hopefully) in 2017!

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Dirty Grandpa (2016)

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Just because it’s January and awards season, doesn’t mean it’s all personal high scoring movies and critically loved features; there is one movie that threatens to cast a frightening shadow over the first month of 2016 in being so awful that potential Oscar winning films could be forgotten. Which is worse because ‘Dirty Grandpa’ itself is the film you want to forget, ignore…erase from memory.

Uptight lawyer Jason Kelly (Zac Efron) is due to be married very soon but before his big day, his once close grandpa Dick (Robert De Niro) has him drive him apparently to his home in Florida, but really dickish Dick wants to insult every living thing and have sex with an extremely lustful spring breaker.

Dan Mazer, the director, or whatever he was doing behind the camera needs to be ashamed because after his debut outing with the frankly funny and well structured ‘I Give it a Year’; this follow up is perhaps the least entertaining and crude movie I’ve ever had the misfortune to clap my eyes upon. No joke, character, scene or in fact second of this film feels comfortable or right, it can’t even be called clichéd because at least other movies of the comedy genre manage to land a laugh amongst the usual characters or situations.

John M. Philips will hopefully be a name we don’t see often because his screenplay for this despairing 102 minutes is nothing but distasteful pokes at anything and everything offensive. Racism, sexism, homophobia, nudity and De Niro masturbating are all common things thrown into this nasty bubbling pot. Somehow amidst all the failing jokes this rude freak show of cinema labels itself a comedy and can’t see how ugly it is from start to finish.

The cringe worthy photo-shopped opening with Efron and De Niro snaps should let you know what a train wreck you’re in for but if that doesn’t then a later scene with a near naked Efron and an ill aimed idea to poke fun at paedophilia will really let you know the horror of what this film contains. There is no desire for engagement or connecting to the flimsy family road trip plot, there’s no originality or humour. Generally this movie fails to make me see how anyone cared a damn when constructing such a dire story, in turn making me want to stop giving a damn wasting time writing a review about it.

Robert De Niro by this point has all but crapped on his career, this recent and grotesque escapade being further proof that this talented icon of the screen is waning. It makes me sad at his choices that are horrible, either he’s happy with the money easily cashed in from coasting through movies or he’s…um, deluded. The character of Dick is so disgustingly painted that not even De Niro can save him. Zac Efron isn’t anything special, solely being there as the good guy and to draw in ticket sales by showing his ripped bod, hell even at times he looks hurt to be in this picture. Aubrey Plaza is viciously bad and sluttily two dimensional in what may be the worst thing she’ll ever do. Julianne Hough is boring and stuck in a clichéd box of the boring partner not right for the protagonist.

Everything in this film is in bad taste and I hate it more for seeing De Niro at the continued beginning of the end in his career. This dirty film is painfully unfunny with no value apart from likely soaring to the tops of worst movie lists of 2016 before we’ve even seen what’s on offer in the next 11 months.

0/10

I guess parts of the awkward wedding break up and De Niro lifting Efron for real is impressive, so:

1/10

 

Ten from the Bottom ’15

We’re in a new year everyone, yay, congratulations, Auld Lang Syne and all that mumbo jumbo! Truly for me it’s exciting because it means another 366 (leap year this time folks) days of movies to enjoy, dislike, repeat view and immerse myself into. Oscar Season is well and truly here and that can only mean it’s time to look back at movies of 2015, but why start with the top notch film-making gems, I’d like to hover over the weaklings of last year and see what struggled to make me find any redeeming factors! And if you want to then please comment letting me know what films you didn’t like. So…here we go at number ten is…

10) The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2

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Sadly the last film of what could have been a ground-breaking and revolutionary series goes out with a laugh and a wimper. The biggest issue is that it should never have been split into two features, making this Part 2 outing drag and feel lifeless even with all the attempts at action. The story feels expositional at times, a loss of life is hardly impacted and wow…that epilogue…sheesh. See what else I had to say —> Mockingjay Part Deux.

9) Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse 

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Falling wayside of any clever zombie comedy smarts and in fact comedy, is this teenage aimed smutty and over the top B movie type. It has some alright moments and the premise is neat but the execution is poor as jokes that would be short and sharp with any other director are left to sag in full sequences. Not terrible but no Shaun of the Dead or Zombieland entertainment either. Be prepared by checking out my review of SGTTZA.

8) Chappie

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Now this is a film I’d almost forgotten about which is a huge shame considering the talent I thought Blomkamp possessed. It begins okay and there are some enjoyable moments amongst the mess but at the end of the day it is a mess of spare parts, South African rap duos, mullets and forced meanings that leave you wanting the film with plenty of tinkering to create a better robot movie that isn’t scratchily written. Chappie says “click on Chappie name.”

7) Joy

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Now I only just viewed and reviewed this film and I wasn’t impressed, I didn’t go in with high expectations granted but I did hope it would surprise me. The only surprise with this film is how uninteresting it seems for a story that could have been uplifting and inspiring. Lawrence only just makes this film watchable. Joyfully nod or grouchily disagree with my review by clicking Joy.

6) Blackhat

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This is a film that literally gave me a headache because of how dull it was. I thought Michael Mann would be on form but even his sense of style with film-making seems to falter. The movie is messy, long and lacking in grit or tension. Use cyberspace and internet non-hacking ease by clicking on Blackhat to see the full review.

5) Terminator Genisys

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From the outset this film lands in the worst category for that damn spelling. Also the whole big bad technological threat is something we all have anyway. There’s so much messing with the original that it craps on what we loved about it, the dialogue is lame and muddled and the story is frankly awful but I somehow enjoyed parts and that’s why you may be shocked to find it here at only number 5. Find out where my review all began at Terminator Genesis — yes, I will not spell it how they want.

4) Hot Pursuit

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Women in film is becoming more powerful as the years tick by but this film almost threatens that ideal and vision of strong funny females by sticking two capable actresses in a dumb, predictable and unfunny cop movie. Just hotly pursue my review for more bad feelings! Hot Pursuit review.

3) Hot Tub Time Machine 2

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Another film with hot in the title and another hot mess of a movie. John Cusack seemed to smell the stench of rotting script and didn’t return. Messing with time is the main aim of the plot but it feels crass and cheap lacking any reason other to offend or cater to people who I don’t want to know. HTTM2.

2) Accidental Love

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Satire done at its absolute worse, this film is neither a funny prod at politics and health care or an endearing rom-com. It’s in fact a film that should have read the warning signs and never got made, but it did get dug up and I implore you not to fall down the grave hole of seeing this. Accidental (Release)…Love.

And in at the top stinker position is a British film, which saddens me as last year another film from home hit the same heights of being the worst movie, but if you saw or ever see the following flick than blessed heaven help you if you could absolutely honestly say you enjoyed it…

 

 

1) Absolutely Anything

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This is absolutely anything other than a film worth seeing, the return and possible last reuniting of the great Monty Python gang is just terrible, Simon Pegg is annoying and the script is childish. Just read my review, I have absolutely nothing else to say.

Please let me know if you agree or disagree or pop down some of your worst films of last year, it’d be cool to see what else may hit the fan. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ten from the Bottom

It’s nearly Christmas time, by jolly holly it’s in fact Xmas Eve…so what better way to celebrate than honouring the big fat turkeys of the movie calendar. Some could quite easily slip into the top or bottom (however you want to look at it) ten list but by watching their trailers I never saw the film as I didn’t want to waste my time knowing it would be bad. So alas, Transformers, The Giver, The Best of Me or in fact Free Birds and others will not appear as I’ve never (luckily) seen them.

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Sound the festive horn people, my list of ten worst films from 2014 is as follows. *of course this is my opinion, so don’t virtually jump on me, but please do let me know what your choices are*

10. LUCY – It has some rather cool ideas and the first 30-40 minutes or thereabouts are slick and watchable but then hell breaks lose and Luc Besson decides to think the film is smarter than it is and all bets are off as Scar-Jo becomes a goddess. See the further review of ‘Lucy’ by clicking here.

9. NEED FOR SPEED – Very cheesy, the vehicular tricks aren’t that inspiring or dramatic. Aaron Paul is uninteresting, Imogen Poots has one of the worst female characters in history and the story is as flat as a second rate tyre. Race on over to check out my review of ‘Need for Speed’.

8. JERSEY BOYS – Clint Eastwood gives the Four Seasons biopic some grit and style but on the whole it feels long and lacking of soul or magic. Watch Get on Up instead. Review under the lamppost ‘Jersey Boys’.

7. MALEFICENT – Takes a Disney classic and twists it to hideous new forms in a pointless retelling, it looks crystal clear in style, magic and darkness but evil is sucked out to make bad good and ruin the original tale. Jolie’s class, a metaphor and the imagery make it bearable. Read my review here – ‘Maleficent’.

6. TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES – Childish, badly scripted and acted. Produced by Michael Bay. Megan Fox. Terrible nightmarish turtle CGI, a bland villain, Megan Fox and Michael Bay. Turtle review to be found here – ‘TMNT’.

5. SAY WHEN – Okay for the intended audience member I guess, though it’s entirely predictable, not that funny at all and Sam Rockwell can do so much better. It’s just an awkward film that lags. Review here – ‘Say When’.

4. A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST – Some alright thought processes and a few laughs but having a moustache musical do take the biggest amount of chortles says it all. Too much toilet humour. Too long. Too Seth self indulgent and a wholly limp movie. Head over to the wild west here ‘AMWTDITW’.

3. THE NUT JOB – Poorly animated with even poorer plot work and jokes. The characters aren’t likable or engaging and for a cartoon the score should be fun and livelier but there’s no spark in that department either. Messy drivel that should be shelved out of memory but it’s forever stuck up there. Get nutty reading ‘The Nut Job’ review.

2. ANNIE – Needless, underwhelming, badly sung, performed and written. Just a terrible terrible film that drags with cloying cutey wutey stuff, bad taste tech subplots and Cameron Diaz in full on pantomime mode. My most recent movie review to be seen here – Annie’.

1. NATIVITY 3: DUDE WHERE’S MY DONKEY?! – I really don’t want to give this any more of my time, my fingers deserve better than typing about this miserable British seasonal film. Just read my review instead, you’ll understand. ‘Nativity 3’.

Nativity 3: Dude, Where’s My Donkey?! (2014)

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Where do I start with this movie review? Honestly the worst film I’ve seen this year, a festive film with all joy and reason sucked out leaving a void of squeaky children, nonsense and horrendous songs. I know it’s a kid’s film but all good ones have something for grown ups and this doesn’t even seem to have any magic that would entertain kids. A mess of a movie through and through.

St. Bernadette’s are expecting an Ofsted inspection and with the arrival of apparent super teacher Jeremy Shepherd (Martin Clunes) the school hope to pass with flying colours. Though the presence of Mr Poppy (Marc Wootton) and a donkey interfere leaving Jeremy forgetting his entire character, his daughter and wife to be Sophie (Catherine Tate). It’s up to a bunch of the school and Mr Poppy to make Jeremy remember who he is through memories, flash mobs and a trip to New York where Sophie nervously expects a jilted wedding.

Normally I’d go through plots, music, direction etc…etc, mixing in negatives with the positives and expanding on any bad points (if any) in the near to last paragraphs. This time around however, I can’t even pick a single good point in this film. I’ve tried, my head has hurt trying to think of one small sliver of genuine positiveness the film has, but to no avail. It feels like a scramble of under 10 year old scamps hyped on Ribena have doodled ideas on paper, the terrible director Debbie Isitt; culprit of one of the worst offences this year, has taken these notes, melded them together, terrified the kids into pushy scenes and created this hot disaster of a feature.

It’s torture, truly it never feels glorious or sparkling with that Christmas pleasantry. It stretches like the Ice Age, feeling longer than Interstellar and gaping with plot holes stretching further than the wormhole in Nolan’s film too. I won’t go into any of the mistakes in case you happen to want to see this film but where are the parents, what’s happened to passport control and how did Mr. Poppy ever get his job?

The main theme of this film is flash mobbing, you know that unexpected increasing size of people dancing or singing in unison that felt fresh over 5-6 years ago. A tired fad is used as the running competition which already bores you from the outset, the choreography is dull and not even cool enough to warrant the constant attacks of flash mob crime that stabs you in the eye. The singing itself could be quite cute but then it’s all disastrously lip-synced, even the adult actors mime to the shoddy played in songs. The title of this film never feels true as the donkey is no story line really, however it does serve as the title for the oh so trying earworm and shock horror song planted in the film.

It’s a movie that looks and reeks of cheapness. Tacky ideas get green-lit leading to scenes that could easily have been edited or left on the cutting room floor. Lengthy hiding sequences, elf puns and the film itself could have benefited from not being there. The worst offence of all is in the character of Mr Poppy who is one of the worst movie characters I’ve ever had the misfortune to see. It’s like watching a wannabe street smart adult with the IQ of a sponge bounding around like a jacked up kangaroo with an appearance akin to Doofy in ‘Scary Movie’. I’ve never hated someone so much and how he leads this trilogy is a mystery.

It pains to see a British film burn the pride out of our movie making industry leaving nothing but the charred remains of the Union Jack. A memory loss film that only leaves you desiring to forget it too. If a lot of children lap this up then they’ve missed out on seeing good quality Christmas films, that’s the only reason I can think of for people enjoying this dud of a film. It’s a never ending hell ride and one I hope leaves the prospect of Nativity 4 firmly in the no camp.

A big fat turkey of a film. Please do not go see this.

1.5/10